I was avoiding the inevitable.
My iPhone was hot in my hand as I clung to the covers. I held it under my pillow and squeezed the side button to snooze it each time the alarm went off.
I didn’t want to get up for my morning quiet time because I didn’t want to hear the same crickets serenading a decision I’d been trying to make. Nor did I want to commit to another flimsy course of action for a week and quit again. I was just flat sick of my floppy self.
I laid there and reminded me, “Options are good. Be grateful for choices.”
But it was just word play. I didn’t feel grateful. I felt confused. My head hurt, too. Like someone had placed a metal clamp around my skull and was still tightening the screw.
I got up anyway.
I loaded the Keurig with water and a K-cup. While the coffee brewed, I situated my things near the chair and footstool. I turned on the lamp.
I finally settled in. Surrounded by my music and headphones, 4 books I’m reading, a Bible, a devotional, a journal, 2 pens, a highlighter and my laptop. I frowned, “Where do I start?”
I felt immobilized by decisions. Again.
I sat watching the minutes change on the large digital clock near the television.
I wanted to be discerning. Always. To ask questions and give time for the wise answers to emerge.
This is a problem.
I don’t want to make just any ol’ decision- I want to make the right decision. Every. Single. Time.
As I sat there losing minutes- fear of making a wrong decision was paralyzing me. Not wrong like amoral or catastrophic, just anything less than absolutely perfect.
I asked for help.
As I dropped my head and went inside myself, I suddenly realized something. Just beneath the surface of my desire to make the best decision in every moment, operates a lie.
A lie that says,
If I make the “right” decision, God will bless it and bless me.
If I make the “wrong” decision, I’ll be left to my own devices- which will lead to disappointment and failure.
“Yikes,” I thought, “No wonder I can’t make a decision!”
Then I got wise to a deeper lie sneaking in the side door. It hissed,
It is possible to make a decision that will separate you from God.
And there it was…
The bullshit reveals itself for what it really is.
Because there is nothing that can ever separate me from God’s love.
The truth is…
Jesus does not abandon me when I make bad decisions.
It’s just the opposite- He goes with me in every decision. Always.
He goes with you too.
Even in the worst decisions you and I have ever made- decisions that cut and maimed and made a total mess of things- Jesus went with us.
He went with us then.
He goes with us now.
How do I know?
The Bible says so…
Nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.(Romans 8:38-39, NLT)
Not even a bad decision.
Jesus has submitted himself to every decision the human race has ever made- even the one to nail Him to a cross.
Also published on Medium.